Toy Soldiers
by Catsitta
Summary: It was a matter of manipulation, of blood bought power and illusionary control.


**A/N: **This is technically a standalone piece, but there are a couple allusions to a certain fic of mine. Anywho, enjoy! I love reviews.

**Warning(s):** None really.

**Word Count: **602

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters, I'm just abusing them.

**Summary: **It was a matter of manipulation, of blood bought power and illusionary control.

**Toy Soldiers**

**By Catsitta**

I remember how easy it was to dream as a child. Each night I would close my eyes and my imagination would run free. Desperate for freedom and needing change, my dreams were an escape. When you are your only friend, sometimes escape is a blessing…but in the end, this optimism became a curse.

All I wanted to be was a SOLDIER.

Then, I believed, I would be strong and brave and no one could hurt me or those I loved ever again. I would make my mother proud. But dreams of a child are flimsy, fragile things. Hoping to become a hero was perhaps the biggest mistake of my life. I should have never left home. I should have never joined ShinRa. I should have realized that I was nothing more than a pawn in life's game.

But I never stood a chance…did I? The choice was not mine to make. From my birth, I have been nothing but a plaything for the Planet, my every victory and loss but trivial moments in Her eyes.

Looking back, I realize that there was nothing I could have possibly done to change a thing. I was—am still—a puppet dangling from his strings. From day one, I was under the control of the Planet as She guided me along the path She desired. She fueled my childhood ambitions with those hopeful fantasies, and when I grew older, She carved a way for me through the bodies of my friends and family. The path only grew more bloody when Sephiroth invaded my mind and stole away the strings of my fate from the Planet. He used me. Abused me. He dashed away what remained of my innocence in a matter weeks.

When the Planet regained control, She made me kill him.

Thrice in total, I have slain Jenova's chosen son. Each time, a little piece of my soul shriveled and broke away. Have I mentioned how much I detest death…abhor killing? If not for the Planet's meddling, I would have never dreamed of running off and joining the military. Now…now death is a part of my life as inseparable from my existence as the very blood that runs through my veins.

I wonder when…if, the killing will stop.

When will I be able to stop fighting?

When will I finally have my chance at peace?

When will I stop being a puppet for the Planet to control?

Her puppet…Her plaything…Her little toy SOLDIER.

I cannot be strong forever. Too many times I have broken. Too many lives I have watched fade away into nothing. Too many times I have begged for death to come and been snatched away from the brink.

My innocence can never be regained nor these memories ever completely forgotten, but I can live with the pain and the grief. I can persevere through the days of sorrow and bloodshed. What I cannot withstand is knowing no end. No relief. No peace. I only want to sleep. To dream.

I want to be able to look to the future and see the light at the end of my journey. Much like when I was a child—so lost in the Planet's manipulation—and I played with tin soldiers on my bedroom floor. At least then, I was happy, despite—and perhaps because of—my ignorance.

I do not seek forgiveness or redemption.

When I was a child, all I wanted was to be a SOLDIER.

Now all I desire is a thread of control.

Let me cut my strings. Unravel myself from fate…

I never asked for a second chance.

**Fin**

**000X000**

**A/N: (Did you like? I have a little game for readers. If you can tell me from which story and which chapter in said story that the 'Her little toy SOLDIER' is referring to, I'll see what I can do about arranging a surprise for you. I'll give you a hint: It's practically a direct quote.**

**Anywho, reviews are awesome!**

**And my updates on 'Fourth Time's the Charm' and 'A Twist of Fate' are coming along nicely. **

**Until next time!)**


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